i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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