Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
