Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
