I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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