i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You are a genius and a whore.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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