This dress was meant to end up on your floor
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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