just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
