i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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