I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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