the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
