I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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