just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
