just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
