You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
