i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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