i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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