I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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