I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
