I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
