Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
