R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
