then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
