Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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