My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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