tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
