I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
