And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
