You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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