nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
