I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
