You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
