Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
