im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
