I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
