The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
