Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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