dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
