So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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