Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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