Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
