Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
