Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
