It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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