I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
