i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
