there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
