I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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