I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
