i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
