I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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