I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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