you're like a bully in the Christmas story
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
