you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
